Tuesday, 21 October 2014

How to survive a Zombie attack on the Kapiti Coast (Halloween Special)


Oh my god, it's a Zombie outbreak!!
Halloween is fast approaching and if your worried about an impending Zombie attack, then never fear, here is the Kapiti Coast Zombie Survival guide to help you through this Halloween. 
Keep ahead of the pack, the best hide-outs and how to not get bitten...

Good luck!

Understanding your Zombie
First of all you need to determine what type of Zombie you are dealing with, is it a Voodo Zombie who would rather kill than have a meal, the classic slow moving zombie who enjoys a bite or two or the more popular and slightly faster Hollywood zombie who is also looking for a snack.

In order to become a Zombie you need to be bitten by one, or bite one yourself. Although I'm not quite sure in what circumstance you'd choose to bite a Zombie! 

Your Survival kit
You need to pimp out your first aid kit, get your hands on tinned food, bottled water, a bicycle-powered or solar power generator, radio, batteries, torch, flares, rope, fire extinguishers and earplugs. (You'll need these to block out all that annoying moaning while your trying to sleep). There are several Zombie Survival Kits available at any good retailer at Otaki, Waikane and Paraparmumu, The Basic Zombie Kit, the Mass Extermination Kit, the I"m on my Own Kit and the best seller, The Family Sized Zombie Survival Kit.


We all know to stop that zombie you need to stab it in the brain, and to do this you'll need to weapon up! Grab anything you can from the household, it might also be a good time to visit your friendly local farmer or tradesman and see what tools they have. You can also head down to Mitre 10 or Farmlands for all your anti zombie tools.

Make Friends

Survival will be easier in groups, and everyone will be able to offer different skills, plumbing, knitting, camping, Pub Quiz host, Karaoke singer, Hunting & Fishing, Cooking etc, so get to know your neighbours or join a local group or club.

Hiding out

Put up steel gates on your windows, back your car up against your doors and windows, once those pesky zombies know your home, be sure to destroy at stairs or secret passages.  Zombies and water don't mix, so consider building a moat around your property, find a friend with a boat (Kapiti Island Tours) or pack up and move into Otaki Swimming Pool or the Splash pad at Raumati . If you can make it to Kapiti Island, it's a wildlife Sanctuary and will undoubtedly be Zombie Free.


You'll need tight clothing (think Def Leopard circa 1980's), short hair or your hair pulled back this is to ensure the zombies have less to grab onto, Oh and don't forget s good pair of shoes for those times you need to run for it! Or just take your stilettos and stab the zombie in the brain. Get all your fashion needs at Otaki Outlet Stores or Coastlands.

Stay in Shape
Your going to be doing a lot of running, I hate running, but in this case I'll make an exception. You don't need to be the fastest runner in Kapiti, you just need to be able to run faster than that the person next to you.  There are plenty of sports clubs and gyms on the Kapiti Coast to join to keep you ahead of the game. 

Become a Warlord
This isn't such a bad thing, you'll need to take over a secure area, such as Otaki College, Paraparaumu College or Coastlands. To make it as a Warlord you need to have a natural resource, offer protection and be just a little bit bad arse! 

Chuck Norris
It's a well known fact that Chuck Norris lives on the Kapiti Coast, it is guaranteed he will single handedly eliminate any zombie-related threat.  Become best friends with Chuck Norris.
Image Source: http://www.empireonline.com/features/chuck-norris

Look for anyone carrying a Zombie Survival Guide Handbook
This person will be full of knowledge on how to survive a Zombie Attack on the Kapiti Coast and they will probably know where Chuck Norris lives. Become friends with this person!

Now you are fully prepare for any Zombie Attack!

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